Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

¹⁰ This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

So, lately it seems that I've been wandering through some sort of desert...actually, I guess "desert" wouldn't be the most accurate assessment of it. I wouldn't characterize my current state with the notions of suffering, hardship and pain that are attached to a word like "desert". I suppose it'd be better described as an astronaut- if you can envision a guy in a space suit who's been cut loose from his ship, just aimlessly floating around in a vacuum with no idea at all where he's going to end up or how he's going to get there...you'd have a pretty good idea of where I'm at right now.

In the past few months, I've seen key members leave our church (again). I've seen a random window of opportunity open ever so slightly at work, which might afford me the chance to do something I enjoy much more than what i'm doing right now. I've also seen my mindset shift from renting a place to buying a home. And all of these factors seems to point towards preemptive signs of me possibly being in Chicago for at least a little while longer.

As I've touched on in the past, my church isn't the easiest place to be at now, to say the least. Young adults have been trickling out at a steady rate over the last year, we're running low on money, and there are fewer and fewer leaders to help shoulder the load of work that needs to be done at church. It pains my heart sometimes to see its current state, and try as I might, sometimes I can't even begin to fathom what God is trying to do with us, or what to make of all the recent developments that have been going on. I know all of the people who have left; I know their reasons, and in a lot of ways I don't blame them for leaving. We don't have as much to offer as we did in the past, in terms of resources and leadership (in which we were fairly abundant not even a year and a half ago). And yet, I feel pressed, convicted to stay. Sometimes I have my doubts; former members bad-mouth the church sometimes (albeit for selfish, immature reasons), and I myself sometimes have trouble articulating why I'm still here...but at the end of the day, it's because I love the people. God's placed a heavy burden on my heart for the college students and young adults that are still here, and the fact that I'm still learning and growing in this situation convinces me that this is where He's called me to be for the time being. I know that if you're back home, and you're reading this, that it's probably not at all what you want to be reading. Admittedly, sometimes I even feel somewhat guilty when I don't have an answer to the question "So when are you coming back?" Other times, I feel frustrated because I feel like very few people back home (if any at all) really understand my motives for staying out here...

In the midst of all the busy thoughts running through my head, my mind turned to Jeremiah 29. Though I always associated this chapter with verse 11, my heart fell on verse 14 this time around. As fundamental as it seemed, it was probably one of the more penetrating statements I'd heard in a while, and really spoke to me in the context of my life right now- had I been seeking God's will with all my heart? Had I really sought His advice and wisdom for an explanation regarding what I'm going through? Or had I fallen into the all-too-familiar state of worrying too much and praying too little? Had I really been asking God for greater clarity on the puzzle I'd been working on for so long, or had I been trying to make all the pieces fit based on my own limited interpretation of them?

At this point, I guess I don't really have that much else to say except that I've been greatly humbled by this verse, and that I'm very much still working through its significance and application in my mind. God certainly took His time in carrying out and fulfilling His will for the exiles mentioned in Jeremiah 29. And that terrifies me, because right now I can't even see two months down the road, let alone 70 years...Please pray that I may be able to patiently learn from their circumstances, and exhibit an attitude of submission to and trust in God's plan in all this.

To be continued...