I was talking to one of my friends that I spent Thanksgiving with, and we were reflecting on the fact that, if you're an individual in the post-grad phase of your life, and you're not at home for the holidays...it kinda sucks hahaha. The majority of our peers had gone home for Thanksgiving to spend it with their families, the undergrads had their own community dinner, and the local Chicagoland people had their own homes to go to...but our group of people that we had spent Thanksgiving with in Chicago in the past had noticeably decreased in size over the years. And despite the fact that our smaller crowd had a great Thanksgiving together, for some reason part of me couldn't help but feel that something was missing, and that I missed having more peers or people around to spend that time with as I had in the past...
Even the church lock-in over the weekend that I helped coordinate seemed to be a mixture of highs and lows for me. On one hand, I was incredibly encouraged and excited to see the new relationships that were being formed, and the communal prayer time was an incredible sight that I haven't witnessed in a long time. But at the same time, I also found it unnerving - as we moved into a time of personal prayer towards the end, I glanced around the room to see individuals praying by themselves. I saw pained looks on many faces. I heard people audibly crying, even screaming out to God. I sensed deep struggles and brokenness within our community during that time...and that terrified me. I know that it's not atypical at all for the members of a church to be dealing with their own individual struggles, but for some reason I felt more burdened than usual for this community. It scared me that so many individuals were dealing with so much heaviness on their hearts, and the fact that we're all doing life together makes it that much more messy...
"Messy"...I guess that'd probably be the best word to sum up last week. I could liken my sentiments to an arts and crafts project made by a young child - you can kinda get a glimpse or idea of what the big picture is supposed to represent, but at the same time you do notice the flaws, and you see things that don't necessarily match the concept or idea that you yourself have in your head. And for whatever reason, last week was a source of struggle between me and God about the picture that He's painting in my life. I have a propensity to pay (excessively) close attention to detail sometimes, and this leads me to get caught on the little imperfections I see instead of stepping back and taking in the blessings as well. I was confused, even frustrated, by the things I saw during prayer time that evening, so much so that I (in typical male fashion, I suppose) wanted to do everything within my power to "fix" the situation. I wanted to make things right for those that I saw struggling, but the fact that I was utterly powerless to do so made me feel all the more insecure about myself. And this has been a pattern for me lately. I wish so deeply sometimes that I could be everything to everybody - such is characteristic of my deep people-pleasing nature - but when I'm not able to find that validation in being what people desire, or providing what they need...it eats away at me inside.
My heart fell on II Corinthians 12:9 this morning -
9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
And the more I think about it, the more it's beginning to dawn on me- ministry IS meant to be messy, relationships in a community ARE meant to be messy...LIFE is meant to be messy, because it teaches us to let go and trust that God can make something beautiful out of the broken picture that we see of the world. This verse was actually pretty rebuking for me as well, because it seemed like God was saying, "If you're more concerned about the things that you're losing/lacking than the things you already have, then you're not doing ministry (or life, for that matter) the right way..."
Please pray that I'd strive all the harder to enjoy and live in God's grace this week, even as I have yet to fully comprehend it at times. Pray also that I'd be able to let go of my own pride and desire to fulfill the expectations of others, and that I would love Christ first.
