These past 3 months have been pretty hard. Not gonna lie or beat around the bush. Generally, the emotions of those around me tend to have a pretty contagious effect on my own temperament, and given the fact that it's wintertime in Chicago, it wasn't pretty. The college students that I minister to always tend to hit a wall around this time of year - the weather sucks, classes are rough, and the overall mood on campus is a pretty gloomy one. Gone is the excitement of a new school year that fall brings; nor is there the presence of rebirth or newness inherent in springtime. Individuals become flakier, more unmotivated, and generally more annoying to deal with. I don't really care what the clinical/technical definition of seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.) is - I'm almost positive it hits everybody in some way, shape or form around here.
Man...I've wanted to criticize and rebuke so many people over the past few weeks. Towards the end of the quarter, it was all I could do to prevent myself from pulling each of them aside and guilt-tripping them into being more committed to church, discipleship, etc. My pride got in the way - I'd feel so personally hurt by their laziness or bad attitudes, that I felt I was entitled to some sort of apology...or at least, that God should at least repay me for the seemingly fruitless efforts I'd invested into the people around me. And this one thought brewed inside my heart, which terrifies me to no end - that you could be constantly surrounded by people you love, and that love you in return, and still feel like the loneliest person in the entire world. At times, my haughtiness made it seem like I wasn't collaborating with others in my ministry, but rather, competing against them...essentially, trying to assert my will over theirs.
There's one image in my mind that I seem to return to a lot these days - about 3 months ago, I was on the sidelines at my gym's basketball court, waiting to get in the next game. Suddenly, out of nowhere, two handicapped persons came onto the court - one guy in a wheelchair, and a girl with a walker who had proximal femoral focal deficiency (kinda like this guy, but her legs were longer). They had a basketball with them, and after a few minutes, they began to shoot around. I didn't want to stare, but I couldn't help but watch them out of the corner of my eye. I don't mean for this to sound discriminatory in any way, but for whatever reason, I was fascinated by this occurrence. What struck me as extraordinary about it was how completely ordinary it was to them. Other people stared at them while they shot around, but they didn't seem to notice or care. They were having a lot of fun, and the perceptions of other people towards them was the least of their concerns.
Sometimes, I envy those two people. Though most of the world would view them as disabled or infirm, they didn't allow that to hinder the enjoyment of their circumstance in it. Their joy was without hindrance or restraint, and fully given to the task at hand. And that's how I often wish my worship was - pure, unadulterated enjoyment, and without the obstructions that I allow to clutter my view of God. Too frequently this past quarter, I've had an agenda, or some sort of ulterior motive in my heart. "If I'm spending X amount of time with this community, I expect Y return on my investment". Or "If I'm frustrated to the point of A, then God owes me reparations in the form of B or C". And honestly, I'm tired of it all. Tired from it all, even.
I really need to get back to enjoying God. Not just because of what He can provide me or what incentives I may receive in return for following him, but just loving Him for who He is. More importantly, I want to learn how to love Him in spite of who I am. Virtually everything about me is broken, handicapped, or in need of repair. And the extensions of myself, or my spheres of interaction/influence, if you will, are no better - I have endless doubts about my inadequacies as a friend, as a brother in Christ, or a leader. And it's ironic, because these things that I seem to place so much weight in, God really doesn't care about at the end of the day...
I don't want to keep rambling on, so I'll close by asking for your prayer requests. Please pray that I'd be able to cast aside all the imperfections in and around me in my worship of God, and that I'd be able to find fulfillment in the mere fact that I have the privilege of worshiping at all. Thank you, and you will be in my prayers as well.
5 Offer right sacrifices
and trust in the LORD.
6 Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?"
Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.
7 You have filled my heart with greater joy
than when their grain and new wine abound.
8 I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety.
-Psalm 4:5-8
