Beauty in the Broken

So in hindsight, last week was a very difficult week for me spiritually. It seemed that my heart was constantly struggling with thoughts of inadequacy, and my mind was tempted to remain focused on the different things I lack in my life, as opposed to rejoicing over the things that God had provided for me...

I was talking to one of my friends that I spent Thanksgiving with, and we were reflecting on the fact that, if you're an individual in the post-grad phase of your life, and you're not at home for the holidays...it kinda sucks hahaha. The majority of our peers had gone home for Thanksgiving to spend it with their families, the undergrads had their own community dinner, and the local Chicagoland people had their own homes to go to...but our group of people that we had spent Thanksgiving with in Chicago in the past had noticeably decreased in size over the years. And despite the fact that our smaller crowd had a great Thanksgiving together, for some reason part of me couldn't help but feel that something was missing, and that I missed having more peers or people around to spend that time with as I had in the past...

Even the church lock-in over the weekend that I helped coordinate seemed to be a mixture of highs and lows for me. On one hand, I was incredibly encouraged and excited to see the new relationships that were being formed, and the communal prayer time was an incredible sight that I haven't witnessed in a long time. But at the same time, I also found it unnerving - as we moved into a time of personal prayer towards the end, I glanced around the room to see individuals praying by themselves. I saw pained looks on many faces. I heard people audibly crying, even screaming out to God. I sensed deep struggles and brokenness within our community during that time...and that terrified me. I know that it's not atypical at all for the members of a church to be dealing with their own individual struggles, but for some reason I felt more burdened than usual for this community. It scared me that so many individuals were dealing with so much heaviness on their hearts, and the fact that we're all doing life together makes it that much more messy...

"Messy"...I guess that'd probably be the best word to sum up last week. I could liken my sentiments to an arts and crafts project made by a young child - you can kinda get a glimpse or idea of what the big picture is supposed to represent, but at the same time you do notice the flaws, and you see things that don't necessarily match the concept or idea that you yourself have in your head. And for whatever reason, last week was a source of struggle between me and God about the picture that He's painting in my life. I have a propensity to pay (excessively) close attention to detail sometimes, and this leads me to get caught on the little imperfections I see instead of stepping back and taking in the blessings as well. I was confused, even frustrated, by the things I saw during prayer time that evening, so much so that I (in typical male fashion, I suppose) wanted to do everything within my power to "fix" the situation. I wanted to make things right for those that I saw struggling, but the fact that I was utterly powerless to do so made me feel all the more insecure about myself. And this has been a pattern for me lately. I wish so deeply sometimes that I could be everything to everybody - such is characteristic of my deep people-pleasing nature - but when I'm not able to find that validation in being what people desire, or providing what they need...it eats away at me inside.


My heart fell on II Corinthians 12:9 this morning -

9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

And the more I think about it, the more it's beginning to dawn on me- ministry IS meant to be messy, relationships in a community ARE meant to be messy...LIFE is meant to be messy, because it teaches us to let go and trust that God can make something beautiful out of the broken picture that we see of the world. This verse was actually pretty rebuking for me as well, because it seemed like God was saying, "If you're more concerned about the things that you're losing/lacking than the things you already have, then you're not doing ministry (or life, for that matter) the right way..."

Please pray that I'd strive all the harder to enjoy and live in God's grace this week, even as I have yet to fully comprehend it at times. Pray also that I'd be able to let go of my own pride and desire to fulfill the expectations of others, and that I would love Christ first.

Not Be Shaken

Psalm 15
A psalm of David.
1 LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary? Who may live on your holy hill?
2 He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart
3 and has no slander on his tongue, who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman,
4 who despises a vile man but honors those who fear the LORD, who keeps his oath even when it hurts,
5 who lends his money without usury and does not accept a bribe against the innocent. He who does these things will never be shaken.

This was one of the more rebuking passages I've read in a while. Recently, it feels like I've been stumbling in my walk in so many different ways- I've struggled with lust and pornography, I've been constantly angry and annoyed with people, and due to several layoffs at work, my overall outlook has been one of increasing discouragement and anxiety in the office. In short, it's been a long, frustrating last few weeks...

Upon reading this chapter in Psalms, it occurred to me how convenient it is to choose to do the wrong thing in so many different situations. When I'm frustrated while playing basketball, it's easy for me to yell and curse at other people (sometimes even teammates). When I'm exhausted from a long day and/or feeling lonely, it's easy for me to turn to the wrong things when I'm browsing the internet. And when I'm hit by feelings of inadequacy or insecurity, it's easy for me to shut myself off from others to prevent myself from being hurt further.

But then the passage concludes with the sentence, "He who does these things will never be shaken". Given my present situation, that statement seemed to make so much sense to me. A man whose life is blameless and righteous will ultimately point to God, and in turn, the foundations that this man's life is built upon will in turn be rooted in the strength and power that He possesses. Being holy and set apart from the world grants a man that much more intimacy with God, and as such, brings him that much closer to the center of God's will.

And as I said, this was a tremendous rebuke to me- why do I not have a greater desire to be at the center of God's will? Has intimacy with the very Lord and Saviour of my life become such a trite concept to me that I no longer possess the passion to live out my existence in a manner that reflects this joy? And even though I know full well that God takes care of His own, and that His love is more substantial and permanent than anything this world has to offer, why do I so often contort myself to satisfy the latter...only to wind up broken emotionally, spiritually, and mentally?

Please pray that I'd seek to be increasingly set apart for His purposes, and that my foundations would be rooted in God and God alone.

please pray with me...

This, then, is how you should pray:
Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one, for Yours is the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen.

I'm somewhat at a loss for words right now, so forgive me if this isn't the most coherent post I've put up. For those of you reading this, I'd really like to ask for your hearts in prayer...the struggle on the Korean side at my church has been going on for a while now, but now they've reached a point where they're discussing actually closing the church. Those of you who read this know how much this church means to me, and I suppose I don't have to elaborate too much on why I'm asking, but this is probably the most desperate and helpless I've ever felt since I first started attending years ago. I know you are all busy and have your own struggles that you're dealing with, but I'd especially appreciate it if you'd be able to lift this up in prayer when you get the chance. If you need further clarification on the situation as a whole, feel free to call me as well. Thank you all.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

¹⁰ This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

So, lately it seems that I've been wandering through some sort of desert...actually, I guess "desert" wouldn't be the most accurate assessment of it. I wouldn't characterize my current state with the notions of suffering, hardship and pain that are attached to a word like "desert". I suppose it'd be better described as an astronaut- if you can envision a guy in a space suit who's been cut loose from his ship, just aimlessly floating around in a vacuum with no idea at all where he's going to end up or how he's going to get there...you'd have a pretty good idea of where I'm at right now.

In the past few months, I've seen key members leave our church (again). I've seen a random window of opportunity open ever so slightly at work, which might afford me the chance to do something I enjoy much more than what i'm doing right now. I've also seen my mindset shift from renting a place to buying a home. And all of these factors seems to point towards preemptive signs of me possibly being in Chicago for at least a little while longer.

As I've touched on in the past, my church isn't the easiest place to be at now, to say the least. Young adults have been trickling out at a steady rate over the last year, we're running low on money, and there are fewer and fewer leaders to help shoulder the load of work that needs to be done at church. It pains my heart sometimes to see its current state, and try as I might, sometimes I can't even begin to fathom what God is trying to do with us, or what to make of all the recent developments that have been going on. I know all of the people who have left; I know their reasons, and in a lot of ways I don't blame them for leaving. We don't have as much to offer as we did in the past, in terms of resources and leadership (in which we were fairly abundant not even a year and a half ago). And yet, I feel pressed, convicted to stay. Sometimes I have my doubts; former members bad-mouth the church sometimes (albeit for selfish, immature reasons), and I myself sometimes have trouble articulating why I'm still here...but at the end of the day, it's because I love the people. God's placed a heavy burden on my heart for the college students and young adults that are still here, and the fact that I'm still learning and growing in this situation convinces me that this is where He's called me to be for the time being. I know that if you're back home, and you're reading this, that it's probably not at all what you want to be reading. Admittedly, sometimes I even feel somewhat guilty when I don't have an answer to the question "So when are you coming back?" Other times, I feel frustrated because I feel like very few people back home (if any at all) really understand my motives for staying out here...

In the midst of all the busy thoughts running through my head, my mind turned to Jeremiah 29. Though I always associated this chapter with verse 11, my heart fell on verse 14 this time around. As fundamental as it seemed, it was probably one of the more penetrating statements I'd heard in a while, and really spoke to me in the context of my life right now- had I been seeking God's will with all my heart? Had I really sought His advice and wisdom for an explanation regarding what I'm going through? Or had I fallen into the all-too-familiar state of worrying too much and praying too little? Had I really been asking God for greater clarity on the puzzle I'd been working on for so long, or had I been trying to make all the pieces fit based on my own limited interpretation of them?

At this point, I guess I don't really have that much else to say except that I've been greatly humbled by this verse, and that I'm very much still working through its significance and application in my mind. God certainly took His time in carrying out and fulfilling His will for the exiles mentioned in Jeremiah 29. And that terrifies me, because right now I can't even see two months down the road, let alone 70 years...Please pray that I may be able to patiently learn from their circumstances, and exhibit an attitude of submission to and trust in God's plan in all this.

To be continued...

Feel the Burn!

23 I will plant her for myself in the land;
I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one.'
I will say to those called 'Not my people,' 'You are my people';
and they will say, 'You are my God.' "

-Hosea 2:23

(Note: Though I only included v. 23 above, this entry relates to Hosea 2 in its entirety)

So this may seem like somewhat of a continuation from my previous entry, but simply put…I’ve been a little burnt out lately. The last few weeks are like a blur in my mind…a lot of church stuff interspersed with a lot of work stuff interspersed with some traveling on weekends that I would normally use to recharge myself spiritually…

I go into work most days with a fair amount of hesitance and trepidation. This could probably be attributed to a few different factors- the poor economy, numerous job cuts across the entire company, and (on a personal level) less-than-stellar performance reviews have got me constantly looking over my shoulder and worrying whether or not I’m doing things the way they should be done…I’m not unhappy with my current company, but there are definitely some aspects about working for a large corporation that I’m really beginning to resent. So much of it is politics- it’s not just about whether or not you worked hard or did a good job on an assignment; it’s also about WHO notices you, or WHERE you’re positioned…and quite honestly, I don’t know if I’m being positioned in a manner where my efforts are able to be seen or acknowledged by the people that actually matter, i.e. other managers.

Church is a struggle as well. Several leaders have left our church in recent months, and I just received word that a few more will also be transitioning out in the months to come. And these losses have been hugely significant - all of the people that I speak of are members who are not only older than me, but have grown up in this church and have been serving here for a long, long time. We’re struggling financially, as well…with many of the young adults leaving or having left, we now face very serious questions about not only our expenses and budget, but the very future and existence of our church as well. And then there’s the college kids that I invest in- this ministry has the potential to be not only my greatest source of joy, but also my biggest reason for disappointment. And more often than not lately, I’ve been disappointed- disappointed that some of them are selfish with their schedules(and don’t care about mine), disappointed that community across different campuses isn’t being built effectively, disappointed that some of them seem to take such an apathetic approach to church… “Don’t they care???” I ask myself, “Don’t they know how important some of this stuff is to their spiritual lives? Why don’t they seem to care about this church?” And ultimately, I ask myself that last question not only about the college kids, but about our congregation as a whole. In the worst cases, I lie awake in bed at night, asking myself that very question over and over and over, unconsciously sliding deeper into a state that is not only increasingly frustrated, but increasingly judgmental of those around me as well.

I began reading through the book of Hosea a few weeks ago…and it seemed to be explaining in so many ways exactly how and why I’ve come to feel drained and burnt out. At the end of the day, I couldn’t honestly say to myself that my focus at the time was on pleasing God-the motives that drove me to do well in work or ministry were ultimately self-centered, and I prostituted my heart out to the standards and expectations of this world. Everything became about the approval of my manager, my coworkers, my peers, my pastors, the college students, other members within our congregation, even myself…essentially, I had been seeking to gain the affirmation and approval of everyone BUT God. And when things didn’t go the way that I thought they should, I pushed myself that much harder. And with regards to church, it’s so ironic that you can be busy doing so many “Christian” things (leading worship, discipling others, attending small group), that you actually slide further away from God, and lose all sense of joy in those very things.

Praise God, though, that I happened to come across this passage…it not only articulated the reasons for this state that I’ve been going through, but it also highlighted God’s redeeming grace in light of man’s failure. I’m always amazed at the degree to which God reconciles with His people. Despite all the times they turn away from Him and rebel, when all is said and done He draws them back to Himself- not in a manner of begrudging acceptance, but wholehearted forgiveness and complete restoration of these relationships. Please pray that I’d continue to move forward in ministry, work, and all aspects of my life- not for man’s acceptance, but for God’s…and when I should happen to stumble or fall short, pray that I’d have the hope to remember that God’s mercy is more than enough to cover my shortcomings…

Wait...what about MY needs?

To be honest, I’ve struggled a great deal with sin in the past few weeks- lust, anger, jealousy, pride, insecurity…each of these vices has taken its turn in attacking me; sometimes they come in groups, and in the worst cases, all of them hit me at once. And man, do I feel powerless. On several occasions as I’ve crawled into bed at night, I’ve felt a deep sense of defeat- not just in the sense of guilt over the various things I’ve struggled with over the course of the day, however; that is merely temporal. Rather, the defeat I’ve felt is something that goes so much deeper. It is an aura of complete and utter helplessness, a longing for some sort of remedy to these inflictions that, as hard as I search, I just can’t seem to find. It has been an endless cycle of: sin --> repentance and confession --> a prayer for protection --> falling back into sin all over again.

And still further I fall, as all of this amounts to a situation where I’m dealing with struggles that are so unique and specific to me, that not even those closest to me could even begin to fathom what I’m going through. And I feel alone. So I begin to question myself- Where is the hope? Where is the purpose? What meaning is there to be found in the midst of all of this, in my own incompetence and shame?

I encountered the following passage in Hebrews 4:14-16 today:

¹⁴Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. ¹⁵For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. ¹⁶Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

I think I struggle so often with understanding exactly how Jesus is the answer to, and fulfillment of, our loneliness. Tangibly speaking, He’s just not immediately as present to us as a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, or a gentle word of encouragement. Because of this, it seems that He can’t possibly be any sort of adequate replacement for a significant other, parent or friend. At times it feels like my prayers to Him are nothing more than meaningless utterances that never even make it beyond the walls of my room.

…But as I read this passage again, it occurred to me that maybe He’s not supposed to be a substitute for any of those figures in my life- rather, that’d be trivializing who He is, because He can be so much more. So much of those examples are inherently defined by my culture, my background, my expectations of what I think would complete me, both emotionally and spiritually. And this is so ironic, because it seems silly to me now that the very things that I want and long for are ultimately the result of my own flawed interpretations of “solutions” to a problem that I don’t fully understand. At the very core of my being resides a need to not only be loved (this, by comparison to what I’m about to mention, is fairly fundamental and basic), but also to comprehend what true love really is. A shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a gentle word of encouragement…these things are all well and good, but in the end the extent to which these actions can fulfill me directly correlates with the limitations of the imperfect people carrying them out. But Jesus, as stated in the passage above…He understands everything that I’m going through. Every single doubt. Every temptation and struggle. And He still LOVES me, in the fullest sense of the word. THIS is what true love must be! To be known in each and every part of our lives, be it good or bad, past, present or future…and to still be loved. There is no greater fulfillment of our needs than this! If our deepest, most vital necessity is to be loved for exactly who we are regardless of what we may have done, then Jesus is not only the answer to this deep-seated loneliness, but He should also be THE object of our affection, and the singular relationship that we pursue with as much priority and enthusiasm as we can muster.

HI! My name is...Wha? My name is...

So here I am, taking my first few hesitant steps into this huge world of blogging. I have yet to fully realize or understand what it is exactly that has possessed me to venture into this, other than the fact that I've felt compelled lately to find an arena in which I can share my thoughts about the God I love, and how those thoughts relate to the rest of this wide world I see around me. Please do not be mistaken, friend- my life is incredibly flawed and remarkably unremarkable, and yet I'm hoping for this undertaking to ultimately not be about me at all. Rather, it is my desire that, even in the midst of the cluttered words and elementary thoughts that are set forth by this trivial individual, something far greater would be discovered and experienced by you, the reader...something vastly beyond what I could ever achieve by my own limited abilities or skills. I hope for this to be a medium that is thought-provoking, challenging (to both you and me), and ultimately reflective of Christ's work in me. Please be patient with me as I set out on this journey to find my voice, and what it is that He is leading me to say...


Let's see where this takes us.