Feel the Burn!

23 I will plant her for myself in the land;
I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one.'
I will say to those called 'Not my people,' 'You are my people';
and they will say, 'You are my God.' "

-Hosea 2:23

(Note: Though I only included v. 23 above, this entry relates to Hosea 2 in its entirety)

So this may seem like somewhat of a continuation from my previous entry, but simply put…I’ve been a little burnt out lately. The last few weeks are like a blur in my mind…a lot of church stuff interspersed with a lot of work stuff interspersed with some traveling on weekends that I would normally use to recharge myself spiritually…

I go into work most days with a fair amount of hesitance and trepidation. This could probably be attributed to a few different factors- the poor economy, numerous job cuts across the entire company, and (on a personal level) less-than-stellar performance reviews have got me constantly looking over my shoulder and worrying whether or not I’m doing things the way they should be done…I’m not unhappy with my current company, but there are definitely some aspects about working for a large corporation that I’m really beginning to resent. So much of it is politics- it’s not just about whether or not you worked hard or did a good job on an assignment; it’s also about WHO notices you, or WHERE you’re positioned…and quite honestly, I don’t know if I’m being positioned in a manner where my efforts are able to be seen or acknowledged by the people that actually matter, i.e. other managers.

Church is a struggle as well. Several leaders have left our church in recent months, and I just received word that a few more will also be transitioning out in the months to come. And these losses have been hugely significant - all of the people that I speak of are members who are not only older than me, but have grown up in this church and have been serving here for a long, long time. We’re struggling financially, as well…with many of the young adults leaving or having left, we now face very serious questions about not only our expenses and budget, but the very future and existence of our church as well. And then there’s the college kids that I invest in- this ministry has the potential to be not only my greatest source of joy, but also my biggest reason for disappointment. And more often than not lately, I’ve been disappointed- disappointed that some of them are selfish with their schedules(and don’t care about mine), disappointed that community across different campuses isn’t being built effectively, disappointed that some of them seem to take such an apathetic approach to church… “Don’t they care???” I ask myself, “Don’t they know how important some of this stuff is to their spiritual lives? Why don’t they seem to care about this church?” And ultimately, I ask myself that last question not only about the college kids, but about our congregation as a whole. In the worst cases, I lie awake in bed at night, asking myself that very question over and over and over, unconsciously sliding deeper into a state that is not only increasingly frustrated, but increasingly judgmental of those around me as well.

I began reading through the book of Hosea a few weeks ago…and it seemed to be explaining in so many ways exactly how and why I’ve come to feel drained and burnt out. At the end of the day, I couldn’t honestly say to myself that my focus at the time was on pleasing God-the motives that drove me to do well in work or ministry were ultimately self-centered, and I prostituted my heart out to the standards and expectations of this world. Everything became about the approval of my manager, my coworkers, my peers, my pastors, the college students, other members within our congregation, even myself…essentially, I had been seeking to gain the affirmation and approval of everyone BUT God. And when things didn’t go the way that I thought they should, I pushed myself that much harder. And with regards to church, it’s so ironic that you can be busy doing so many “Christian” things (leading worship, discipling others, attending small group), that you actually slide further away from God, and lose all sense of joy in those very things.

Praise God, though, that I happened to come across this passage…it not only articulated the reasons for this state that I’ve been going through, but it also highlighted God’s redeeming grace in light of man’s failure. I’m always amazed at the degree to which God reconciles with His people. Despite all the times they turn away from Him and rebel, when all is said and done He draws them back to Himself- not in a manner of begrudging acceptance, but wholehearted forgiveness and complete restoration of these relationships. Please pray that I’d continue to move forward in ministry, work, and all aspects of my life- not for man’s acceptance, but for God’s…and when I should happen to stumble or fall short, pray that I’d have the hope to remember that God’s mercy is more than enough to cover my shortcomings…