Sunday morning, rain is falling...

I was thinking this past week about how I’d like just one Sunday…JUST ONE day…

Where I wouldn’t have to worry about which of my worship team members wouldn’t be able to make it because they’re sick/busy/out of town/not doing well spiritually

Where I wouldn’t find myself guessing which of my discipleship kids would flake out and sleep through church…after looking me in the eye the day before, promising that they’d make it out

Where I wouldn’t have to wonder whether or not there would be police cars sitting in our parking lot (or how many there would be)

Where I wouldn’t have to see the two opposing factions of the K side openly quarreling with each other with said police force having to mediate between them

Where I wouldn’t have to remember to lock up our sanctuary doors after service because certain individuals aren’t allowed in

Where I wouldn’t be concerned if the songs I picked for worship are “fast” or “slow” or “moving” or “lively” enough to sing to a sea of listless, tired faces

Where I wouldn’t have to worry about who’d be the next member to leave our church, or fall away from their faith entirely

Where I wouldn’t feel borderline resentful of the situation God has placed me in.

It’s been a wild past month and a half for me. Some of the things that I listed above I’m no longer dealing with, but all the same, there’s been an infinite amount of aspects that have made it so difficult for me to come in with a heart of worship on Sundays. I responded by entering into a mentality where all I thought about was planning, coordinating, implementing, doing, executing…and then doing those things some more.

And unsurprisingly, it sucked.

Last Friday night, I found myself alone in my room, face down on my floor. My spiritual state had gotten to such a dry and cynical point that the only thing I could possibly think of doing was setting aside personal time to spend with God (at 6 p.m. on a Friday evening, of all possible days of the week). And during that time of deep reflection and prayer, I came across the verse above. And it made me stop dead in my thoughts.

So many of the anxieties that flood my mind on a day to day basis are founded in matters far beyond my control, yet I feel some sort of duty to try to “save” them, as if possessed or driven by some sort of messiah (or martyr, depending on how you look at it) complex. And ultimately, God’s placed the achievement of these things all far beyond my ability to fulfill them. “These battles are not yours to fight. They are mine to win,” God seemed to be so tangibly saying to me last Friday, and since then, it’s been the start of one long rebuilding process of my relationship with Him.

I don’t mean for this entry to be a complete downer (though, admittedly, that’s the state that tends to drive me to blog most often), and I certainly don’t mean for this to make any of you readers jaded or cynical towards the church. On the contrary, I’ve been learning an incredible amount through this whole process. God has continued to show His faithfulness to me, and I’m confident that, whether or not I stay here, or move on, or move away entirely, that His plan and purpose are continuing a good work that will ultimately draw me that much closer to Him, and mold my heart into one better fit for whatever He has in store for me in the future.

Thanks for reading. I covet your prayers, and will be praying for all of you as well.

Summertime Chi

So it’s been a long while since I’ve updated in this blog – I sincerely apologize for not keeping you all updated, but this past summer’s been a really hectic one. It’s all good though – I’m sure you all have more exciting things going on in your lives than needing to know about mine haha. Rather than summarize everything, I figured it’d be nice to put all my current struggles/thoughts/prayer requests in bullet form for the sake of clarity:

• Work: I started a new job at Nielsen (the same company that does TV ratings) doing online marketing research about a month and a half ago. I’m really liking the work that I’m doing, and it’s been really challenging for me too, which is good. The deeper I get into my working career though, the more I’m realizing just how different I am sometimes from my coworkers who don’t know Christ. We do different stuff on the weekends, we view the world differently, and our priorities and values are worlds apart. God’s blessed me in the sense that I’ve gotten along pretty well with all of them thus far, and that we’ve been able to develop pretty good relationships amongst our team members up to this point. Please pray, however, that I’d be less timid about my faith, and that I’d be bold and courageous enough to be the salt and light that He wants me to be. A lot of times, I’ll tend to shy away from discussing my faith, and what it means to me, because I’ve just always subconsciously seen it as an “unsafe” topic in the workplace. Pray that, though people may not inherently be open to it (or may even be against it in some cases), that God’s love would make ways for me to share the Gospel with these people in some way or another.

• Church: I don’t really mean to sound redundant in sharing discouraging things about my church every time I write in here, but the fact of the matter is that our congregation always feels like it’s on critical life support. It’s gotten progressively more and more difficult over the years, and I don’t foresee it letting up anytime soon. We have next to nothing financially, many of our congregation members were struggling in their spiritual walks this past summer (college students in particular), and it’s been a struggle for most of them to be on the same page as our pastor because they just don’t click relationally. Because of these and a few other factors, I actually found myself facedown on the ground, weeping nonstop for 20-30 minutes straight during our nightly prayer times at a youth retreat a few weeks ago. To be honest, I was frustrated at God, angry that He could allow His people to fall into such a situation. From the depths of my heart, I’d scream to Him, “WHY, GOD?! WHY ARE WE HERE?!” in desperate hopes that He would reply in some way…that He would give me just a GLIMMER, a GLIMPSE of what in the world He wanted from us as a body.

To be honest, I think I really felt God speaking back to me and responding during those nights…but not in the way I expected at all. He didn’t give me a roadmap or an overall plan or strategy for what He was going to do with our church. He merely said, “I am here”. “I am here” – it reminded me so much of when He told Moses “I Am who I Am”. I kept getting the sense that things will probably get harder before they get easier, and that there’s no sort of instant fix to our situation as it stands right now. However, just hearing that phrase from God was refreshing to me–He IS, in the sense that He has been and will continue to be our beginning and end, our comfort, peace and grace…the things that I guess we truly, actually need right now more than finances or well-run programs, or even a clear vision for our future. To be honest though, I’m still struggling a lot in coming to terms with what this means; it feels like a very incomplete answer to me, as my personally is largely inclined to planning, coordinating, preparing, and knowing exactly what we have to do to achieve something or get somewhere. Please pray that I’d be able to let go of my presumed control over this situation, and that I’d really trust in God’s plan for us and the church, and that “I am here” would be more than enough for me to know and rest on at this point in time.

• Lastly, just pray for my heart – a handful of people that I consider close friends of mine here in Chicago will be moving on due to marriage, life transitions, etc. All of this amounts to me feeling more and more lonely – not in a relational sense, but in the sense that I have less individuals around me who can empathize with me and really connect on a spiritual level. Pray that God would continue to be my sufficiency and peace in the midst of all the hecticness that's going on, and that I would find my sufficiency in Christ, and Christ alone.

¹¹ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

-Psalm 42:11

S.A.D.

So I'm posting here again...it's funny, because I remember one of you saying that you tend to only blog when you're struggling or learning a lot, and I guess it's the same with me...

These past 3 months have been pretty hard. Not gonna lie or beat around the bush. Generally, the emotions of those around me tend to have a pretty contagious effect on my own temperament, and given the fact that it's wintertime in Chicago, it wasn't pretty. The college students that I minister to always tend to hit a wall around this time of year - the weather sucks, classes are rough, and the overall mood on campus is a pretty gloomy one. Gone is the excitement of a new school year that fall brings; nor is there the presence of rebirth or newness inherent in springtime. Individuals become flakier, more unmotivated, and generally more annoying to deal with. I don't really care what the clinical/technical definition of seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.) is - I'm almost positive it hits everybody in some way, shape or form around here.

Man...I've wanted to criticize and rebuke so many people over the past few weeks. Towards the end of the quarter, it was all I could do to prevent myself from pulling each of them aside and guilt-tripping them into being more committed to church, discipleship, etc. My pride got in the way - I'd feel so personally hurt by their laziness or bad attitudes, that I felt I was entitled to some sort of apology...or at least, that God should at least repay me for the seemingly fruitless efforts I'd invested into the people around me. And this one thought brewed inside my heart, which terrifies me to no end - that you could be constantly surrounded by people you love, and that love you in return, and still feel like the loneliest person in the entire world. At times, my haughtiness made it seem like I wasn't collaborating with others in my ministry, but rather, competing against them...essentially, trying to assert my will over theirs.

There's one image in my mind that I seem to return to a lot these days - about 3 months ago, I was on the sidelines at my gym's basketball court, waiting to get in the next game. Suddenly, out of nowhere, two handicapped persons came onto the court - one guy in a wheelchair, and a girl with a walker who had proximal femoral focal deficiency (kinda like this guy, but her legs were longer). They had a basketball with them, and after a few minutes, they began to shoot around. I didn't want to stare, but I couldn't help but watch them out of the corner of my eye. I don't mean for this to sound discriminatory in any way, but for whatever reason, I was fascinated by this occurrence. What struck me as extraordinary about it was how completely ordinary it was to them. Other people stared at them while they shot around, but they didn't seem to notice or care. They were having a lot of fun, and the perceptions of other people towards them was the least of their concerns.

Sometimes, I envy those two people. Though most of the world would view them as disabled or infirm, they didn't allow that to hinder the enjoyment of their circumstance in it. Their joy was without hindrance or restraint, and fully given to the task at hand. And that's how I often wish my worship was - pure, unadulterated enjoyment, and without the obstructions that I allow to clutter my view of God. Too frequently this past quarter, I've had an agenda, or some sort of ulterior motive in my heart. "If I'm spending X amount of time with this community, I expect Y return on my investment". Or "If I'm frustrated to the point of A, then God owes me reparations in the form of B or C". And honestly, I'm tired of it all. Tired from it all, even.

I really need to get back to enjoying God. Not just because of what He can provide me or what incentives I may receive in return for following him, but just loving Him for who He is. More importantly, I want to learn how to love Him in spite of who I am. Virtually everything about me is broken, handicapped, or in need of repair. And the extensions of myself, or my spheres of interaction/influence, if you will, are no better - I have endless doubts about my inadequacies as a friend, as a brother in Christ, or a leader. And it's ironic, because these things that I seem to place so much weight in, God really doesn't care about at the end of the day...

I don't want to keep rambling on, so I'll close by asking for your prayer requests. Please pray that I'd be able to cast aside all the imperfections in and around me in my worship of God, and that I'd be able to find fulfillment in the mere fact that I have the privilege of worshiping at all. Thank you, and you will be in my prayers as well.

⁵ Offer right sacrifices
and trust in the LORD.

⁶ Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?"
Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.

⁷ You have filled my heart with greater joy
than when their grain and new wine abound.

⁸ I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety.

-Psalm 4:5-8

So going back to the holidays, time spent at home was good; had the opportunity to catch up with friends and fam, and got a lot of rest in before heading back to Chicago...which, in hindsight, I would really need over the course of the next week or so.

Initially, I was supposed to fly back to Chicago on Saturday the 26th, but due to extreme snow conditions at O'hare, my flight was canceled, and I ended up flying out early Sunday morning. That morning, as we were driving on our way to the airport, I ended up getting into a pretty heated discussion with my dad over all the time I spend doing "church activities". As some of you may know, I've never been all that sure of where my dad stands in his faith, but over the course of this conversation it became clearer and clearer to me that he's been falling away for some time now. I sensed a great deal of cynicism and jadedness towards the church on his end - he mentioned that people in church seemed "lazy" or "two-faced", and that he felt more and more that church was just "a waste of his time". And in the back of my mind, I had kind of sensed this for a while now, but to actually hear and see it up close made it that much harder to bear. I spent the majority of my time on the flight trying to sort a bunch of jumbled thoughts in my mind...

Upon landing in Chicago, I more or less went straight to the youth retreat, and from there on out it was pretty much nonstop for the next few days. Maybe it was because of the incident with my dad, maybe it was the fact that our schedule ran a little bit later than usual every night....but this youth retreat was probably the most physically taxing one I've helped with thus far. My mind was all over the place, going back and forth between all the questions I was asking God about my own personal life, and trying to discern how He was moving in the lives of the kids I was serving.
The more I think about it, the fact that the theme of the retreat was "Relationships Matter" was no coincidence...and over the course of the week, I noticed God moving...amidst all the concerns and anxieties in my mind, I heard Him loudly declaring, "I LOVE". "I love these kids, even though they've had misconceptions about me in the past, and even though they've perceived me as cold and overbearing". "I love your dad, even though he's frustrated with the church, and even though he has trouble understanding what I'm all about". "I LOVE this entire world that I've created, and each and every single individual in it."

As for my dad, despite all the questions that I still have, there is also a certain degree of comfort in my mind. There's a certain reassurance that extends far beyond my understanding, or my ability to affect these situations. Though I ultimately had no influence over the circumstances, I'm realizing more and more that God's love (and sovereignty) runs so deep for His children. I'm realizing just as He does for the youth group kids, He cares about my father deeply, and as such, He has a profound purpose for him. As helpless as I felt, it was comforting to know that God was and is working out His plans through his life, even if I can't even remotely comprehend what He's doing at this point in time...

Please pray that I would continue to be faithful in lifting up my requests to God, and that I would trust in His timing and power. There's a certain something in the air that's different nowadays, and I feel that He's been calling me to have a greater heart for those around me who don't yet know Him...not least of which is my dad. I'm a little scared as to what the future holds, but at the same time, I'm excited, because I sense that God has big things in store...