Back and Forth

I've lately been coming to terms with the realization that the concept of repentance is not so much a final state or destination to be reached, as it is (on this side of heaven, anyways) a continual, persistent, painstaking process. Every fiber of my being wars against God in an intensely rebellious manner, gravitating away from the life I know He desires for me to live and enjoy. It's like every time I reach out and grab ahold of Him, something immediately slaps my hand away. I'll struggle and fight so hard just to grasp onto the cross, then I'll be blindsided by something, be it my sin, my ambition, my worries, or any other number of worldly distractions.

I'm also noticing that repentance, on the days when I seem to be approaching it correctly, provides me with that sense of solace I so desperately need. Despite the acknowledgement of my brokenness, lacking, and imperfection, there's something about submitting of all of these things into God's hands that stirs within my heart a profound sense of peace. It's the subtle distinction between a frantic, frustrated "I CAN'T DO A THING ABOUT THIS!" and a levelheaded, accepting "I can't do a thing about this." that totally alters my life's perspective for the better. And I'm increasingly noticing that the latter of these two mentalities is something I'm going to have to fight for in my daily life. Each. And. Every. Day.

But praise God, that, as real as these daily struggles are, so too is the availability of His victory and strength. Repentance grants me the freedom of knowing that all is within His sovereign hands, and allows me to better align myself with His good and perfect will for me...

My mom was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma two days ago. She'll be having surgery to remove the growth on the 24th. Fortunately, the doctors said they were able to catch it in its early stage, and that the procedure and treatment should be pretty safe and standard. Although she and my dad are both calm and collected towards the situation, though, I couldn't help but feel nervous initially. This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't meant to be a curveball that I or anyone in my family should ever have to deal with. Why does it come now, when I'm starting up so many things in my own life (AAIV senior group, leading worship at TRC)? Why does this have to so inconveniently interfere with the plan I had in my mind? Even now, I wrestle with these thoughts, stuck in a fearsome tug-of-war between my natural emotional reactions, and a state of psychological sanctuary that I know only God can provide.

Sigh...Lord, teach me to lay down my own agenda, and to turn from my sinful desires in favor of the life He has for me. May I accept the dismantling of all that I am, if that is what You desire, and if that is what will ultimately bring me that much closer to you. May I trust that You know what You're doing, and may I be willing to repent from my ways to follow Yours.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

-Psalm 51