Wait...what about MY needs?

To be honest, I’ve struggled a great deal with sin in the past few weeks- lust, anger, jealousy, pride, insecurity…each of these vices has taken its turn in attacking me; sometimes they come in groups, and in the worst cases, all of them hit me at once. And man, do I feel powerless. On several occasions as I’ve crawled into bed at night, I’ve felt a deep sense of defeat- not just in the sense of guilt over the various things I’ve struggled with over the course of the day, however; that is merely temporal. Rather, the defeat I’ve felt is something that goes so much deeper. It is an aura of complete and utter helplessness, a longing for some sort of remedy to these inflictions that, as hard as I search, I just can’t seem to find. It has been an endless cycle of: sin --> repentance and confession --> a prayer for protection --> falling back into sin all over again.

And still further I fall, as all of this amounts to a situation where I’m dealing with struggles that are so unique and specific to me, that not even those closest to me could even begin to fathom what I’m going through. And I feel alone. So I begin to question myself- Where is the hope? Where is the purpose? What meaning is there to be found in the midst of all of this, in my own incompetence and shame?

I encountered the following passage in Hebrews 4:14-16 today:

¹⁴Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. ¹⁵For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. ¹⁶Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

I think I struggle so often with understanding exactly how Jesus is the answer to, and fulfillment of, our loneliness. Tangibly speaking, He’s just not immediately as present to us as a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, or a gentle word of encouragement. Because of this, it seems that He can’t possibly be any sort of adequate replacement for a significant other, parent or friend. At times it feels like my prayers to Him are nothing more than meaningless utterances that never even make it beyond the walls of my room.

…But as I read this passage again, it occurred to me that maybe He’s not supposed to be a substitute for any of those figures in my life- rather, that’d be trivializing who He is, because He can be so much more. So much of those examples are inherently defined by my culture, my background, my expectations of what I think would complete me, both emotionally and spiritually. And this is so ironic, because it seems silly to me now that the very things that I want and long for are ultimately the result of my own flawed interpretations of “solutions” to a problem that I don’t fully understand. At the very core of my being resides a need to not only be loved (this, by comparison to what I’m about to mention, is fairly fundamental and basic), but also to comprehend what true love really is. A shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a gentle word of encouragement…these things are all well and good, but in the end the extent to which these actions can fulfill me directly correlates with the limitations of the imperfect people carrying them out. But Jesus, as stated in the passage above…He understands everything that I’m going through. Every single doubt. Every temptation and struggle. And He still LOVES me, in the fullest sense of the word. THIS is what true love must be! To be known in each and every part of our lives, be it good or bad, past, present or future…and to still be loved. There is no greater fulfillment of our needs than this! If our deepest, most vital necessity is to be loved for exactly who we are regardless of what we may have done, then Jesus is not only the answer to this deep-seated loneliness, but He should also be THE object of our affection, and the singular relationship that we pursue with as much priority and enthusiasm as we can muster.